Choice, or Lack Thereof - What do we actually choose?
So, I was on Reddit the other day...
ADHD is forgetting your car keys, then going back to get them and forgetting why you were leaving, so then you sit down and start binging a new show on Netflix.
That’s not me. Maybe I’ve forgotten my car keys, or forgotten why I was doing something, so just did something else… but this perfect storm of absent-mindedness is not out of character for a greater social media description of ADHD.
“ADHD is…” can be the most triggering thing I see on the internet, or it can be a moment of freedom as you feel heard.
I bring it up because I saw a perfect example recently, that spun my brain into new directions.
When you start to doomscroll…
The advice offered to an ADHD Reddit community suggested that you just need to stop, drink some water, and go for a walk, and it’ll prevent doomscrolling.
The ADHD crowd never likes that advice, the non-ADHD crowd has no idea why.
The problem with this advice is that it presumes to understand why someone with ADHD will doomscroll, or pursue a distraction.
Until you’ve experienced what is often called ADHD Paralysis, you presume it’s something that can be turned off. The problem is, this brain lock can be debilitating and heart breaking.
This behavior works something like this, at least for me:
I know what I need to be working on.
I know what I could do to get me working on it.
I feel that it’s important to work on this thing.
I can’t disengage my brain from this other thing, to work on the important thing.
I can’t get my brain to engage with this thing I need to do.
It isn’t optional. There isn’t a choice. I will choose the thing I want to do, and my brain and body will not follow along.
What is choice, how often do we really choose?
The more I thought about the inability to do the suggested thing from the would-be helper, the more I realized that ‘choice’ is the part of this frustration.
A person with ADHD may experience several different executive dysfunctions, but the ability to choose seems to be tied to planning and to problem-solving.
The cure? Sadly is, don’t let it happen in the first place. (Yeah, easier said than done.)
All advice from the professionals requires some amount of pre-meditation. The suggestions are all about groundwork beforehand:
have tasks so small that you can do them with minimal effort
create a simple schedule so you never feel overwhelmed with too much to do.
track things you complete, not being perfect
do the things you love
make things more interesting
The only one that really feels like you can do it in the moment is to get up and move. Go for a walk, or literally just put yourself in a different workspace.
I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s an absurd force of will to stop the thing you’re automatically doing and choose to go for a walk… it’s as much about choosing to stop the thing as it is choosing to start doing the thing.
“Choosing” in this scenario feels more like “Forcing” and doesn’t feel like something you want so much as something that’s non-negotiable.
Understanding yourself, understanding your ADHD afflicted loved one
Being able to choose is something we take for granted, feeling like you don’t get to choose can be devastated.
People with ADHD have a high rate of co-morbidity with depression and anxiety. Nobody is more disappointed than the person who is unable to flip that switch and start working. We feel lazy, we feel pathetic, we feel incompetent.
If you experience these moments of brain lock, or analysis paralysis, recognize that they’re temporary. Rarely do you have them on back to back days.
If you have a loved one with ADHD, recognize that they are trying, in spite of the lack of action. Don’t give them advice, it just makes them feel angry or worse. Instead, offer to be there. Work alongside them, there is no need to talk, just normalize working next to them.
Often, it’s as simple as feeling like you’re part of a bigger whole. This brain lock is more common with people working remotely, or studying by themself.
Be part of a community, meet regularly, normalize these struggles. The more you see that it isn’t you being “broken” the easier it is to slide out of the struggle and into action.
Nothing about us without us
The best thing you can do, if you don’t have ADHD, is to learn about it, not to just offer advice that worked for you.
If you have traits of a person with ADHD, consider how often it happens. If it prevents you from getting work done or functioning in society, how often.
Some things to remember, before you offer advice… even if you have ADHD:
Not every fix works for every person.
Not every fix works for the same person every time.
Unsolicited advice is rarely going to be perceived as helpful.
Did you know that ADHD is an emotional dysregulation disorder as well?
When it comes to help, mindfulness and compassion are key. Recognizing our differences is more useful than a single, silver bullet style recommendation.
I want to add a final clarification, ADHD is a disorder, not a disease. It’s an emotional and executive function disorder, there isn’t a cure. Learning how it affects you and the people in your life is the answer, so that you can be helpful in a manner that is specific to that person’s “quirks.”
Also, look into your life and see when you’re making choices and when the decision is made before you arrive. Consider what you can do in advance to let you feel like your actions were yours all along.
Enjoy your day and week.
Hug someone today.
Cheers!